Greg Hands
| Greg Hands | |
|---|---|
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| |
| Name | Gregory William Hands (born 14 November, 1965) |
| Nicknames | Greg (everyone) |
| Politics | |
| Party | Conservative |
| Constituency | Chelsea and Fulham (2010 - present) Hammersmith and Fulham (2005 - 2010) |
| Positions | • Chief Secretary to the Treasury (May 2015 - present) • Deputy Chief Whip (October 2013 - May 2015) • Assistant Whip (October 2011 - October 2013) • Shadow Treasury Minister (January 2009 - May 2010) |
| Likes | Chuntering, picking fights with Labour MPs on Twitter |
| Dislikes | Labour MPs, trade unions |
| Friends | George Osborne? |
| Enemies | John Bercow, Ian Austin, Chris Bryant, most of the Parliamentary Labour Party |
| Relationships | |
| Partners | Irina Hundt |
| Children | Helena (2006) and Martin (2007) |
| Personal Attributes | |
| Nationality | American/British |
| Religion | Romanian Orthodox |
| Sexuality | Straight |
| Height | ? |
| Eye Colour | Brown |
| Handedness | Right |
| Accent | Estuary |
| Languages | German, Czech and French |
I'm not sure whether Greg Hands' stupidity outweighs his unpleasantness.~ Labour MP Ian Austin
As a Conservative whip through much of the 2010-2015 Parliament, Greg Hands wasn't allowed to speak in the Chamber, so fandom is familiar with him mostly through Bercow's repeated admonitions to him to STFU during PMQs and some extraordinary exchanges with Labour MPs on Twitter. Sort of the anti-Jack Weatherill, Greg is notable for how widely respected he isn't across the House.
Life and Career[edit | edit source]
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Greg was born in New York City to British parents and lived in the US until the age of seven. They returned to England and he attended secondary school at Dr Challoner's Grammar School, a selective grammar school in Buckinghamshire. He spent his gap year working at a swimming pool in Berlin, where he developed a long-standing interest in the Eastern Bloc. He then studied modern history at Robinson College, Cambridge, and got a first.
Pre-political Career[edit | edit source]
From 1989 to 1997 he was a stock trader, working in Berlin, on Wall Street and in the City of London.
Early Political Career[edit | edit source]
Greg joined the Conservative Party as a student and was chairman of the Cambridge University Conservative Association. In 1998 he was elected to Hammersmith and Fulham council and he became leader of the Tory group the following year. He stood down as leader in 2003 to concentrating on contesting the Hammersmith and Fulham seat at Westminster, which he won from Labour with the help of a heaping mound of Ashcroft money in 2005.
Parliamentary Career[edit | edit source]
The first half of Greg's first parliamentary term was focused on not getting stuck with the Hammersmith half of his constituency when the boundaries were redrawn for the 2010 election. He successfully managed to win the selection for the new Chelsea and Fulham constituency, leaving Cameron spad and general fall-guy Shaun Bailey with unwinnable Hammersmith.
Have secured the continuing dominance of rich white dudes in the Conservative Party, Greg turned his attention to opposing the Government, joining George Osborne's Shadow Treasury team in January 2009.
The Whips' Office[edit | edit source]
After the 2010 election, Greg spent a year as Osborne's PPS and then became an assistant whip. He made a name for himself by orchestrating the Tory barracking against Labour during set piece events like PMQs. Never one to lead from behind, Greg could generally be found sitting on the stairs to the left of the Treasury Bench shouting his head off, much to Bercow's frustration.
In October 2013 he was promoted to Deputy Chief Whip. Traditionally it is the role of the Deputy Chief Whip to maintain good relations with other parties so that the business of the House can proceed smoothly. Greg Hands took a different approach, going out of his way to antagonize as many opposition MPs as possible.
It is the official policy of the Labour Party that he is the most unpleasant and one of the most stupid Tory MPs.
| Full List of Appointments |
|---|
| • Shadow Treasury Minister (19 January, 2009 - 6 May, 2010) |
| • PPS to George Osborne (10 May, 2010 - 14 October, 2011) |
| • Assistant Whip (14 October, 2011 - 7 October, 2013) |
| • Deputy Chief Whip (7 October, 2013 - 11 May, 2015) |
| • Chief Secretary to the Treasury (11 May 2015 - present) |
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Greg's wife is half-East German, half-Russian. They have two kids.
In March 2017, Greg admitted to having kept a cardboard cutout of David Miliband holding a banana in his office for six and a half years. He eventually dumped it in the bins behind the Department of Health.
Twitter Fights[edit | edit source]
During his time as a whip Greg Hands seemed to spend most of his time quarreling with Labour MPs on Twitter, which may go some way to explaining the record number of Government defeats in the 2010-2015 Parliament.
The most spectacular of these exchanges occurred in March 2013, shortly before David Miliband flounced off to join the Thunderbirds.
Greg kicked things off by being wrong on the internet:
Most people might have been allowed to be wrong in peace, but Greg had pissed off too many people over too many years. Labour MP Ian Austin was not going to allow this to stand.
But Ian, how do you really feel?
Members of the public were not impressed by this exchange:
But that didn't stop Greg from asking Austin whether he was drunk. Austin was keen to assure him that he was not.
Austin has never withdrawn or apologised for any of these comments. In the absence of a clarification from the Labour Press Office, we have to conclude that this is, in fact, the official policy of the Labour Party.
Portrayal[edit | edit source]
In the Media[edit | edit source]
Apart from some minor coverage of his spat with Ian Austin, Greg has had a low media profile. This may all be about to change with his elevation to the Cabinet.
In Fanon[edit | edit source]
Despite the obvious potential in his name (Hands/Balls! Hands/Woodcock -> Handscock!) and the obvious hatesex potential in his Twitter persona, Greg Hands has yet to feature on the meme.
