Liz Kendall

Liz Kendall
Name	Elizabeth Louise Kendall (born 11 June, 1971)
Nicknames	Liz (everyone), Mintcake (fandom, Buzzfeed(see linked URL)), The Blair Witch Project (misogynist Labour leftwingers)
Politics
Party	Labour
Constituency	Leicester West (2010 - present)
Positions	Shadow Minister for Care and Older People (October 2011 - September 2015)
Likes	Outsourcing public services, Tony Blair, childcare, free schools, ring-fencing defense spending, running, dancing, Dr Dre, Jay Z and Public Enemy, popcorn and other savoury snacks
Dislikes	Being told she's basically a Tory, biscuits
Friends	The Sun, Mark Ferguson, assorted Blairites
Enemies	Éoin Clarke
Relationships
Partners	Greg Davies (? - 2015)
Personal Attributes
Nationality	English
Religion	Agnostic
Sexuality	Straight
Height	5' 6"
Eye Colour	Brown
Handedness	Right
Accent	Estuary

We allowed ourselves to be portrayed as only interested in winning. I've proved that's not the case!~ Liz Kendall

Liz is best known for being the defeated Blairite candidate in the 2015 Labour leadership contest and for dating a really, really tall man.

Life and Career

Early Life

By the age of six, Liz was already fed up with Bennites.

Liz grew up in the village of Abbots Langley in Hertfordshire. Her mother worked as a primary school teacher and her father left school at 16, worked his way up and eventually completed his banking exams. She was raised Methodist.

She attended Watford Grammar School for Girls before heading to Queen's College, Cambridge University where she won a first-class degree in History. She was also captain of Queen's women's football team.

Liz in her 20s. When this image was released to the world on twitter a lot of people started to reevaluate their feelings for Liz.

Pre-political Career

Director of the Ambulance Service Network – the national organisation that represents all NHS ambulance services.

Early Political Career

Was a SpAd to Harriet Harman at some point, apparently.

Parliamentary Career

Was quickly promoted to a shadow health brief.

2015 Leadership Bid

"No, Mr Burnham, I expect you to die!"

On 10 May 2015, following the resignation of Ed Miliband as Leader of the Labour Party, Liz announced her intention to run in the leadership election. She was the first person to declare, and most people took no notice because they had no idea who she was.

Then Chuka Umunna pulled out of the leadership contest and everyone realised she was going to be the only Blairite candidate, as Mary Creagh couldn't get the nominations to make the ballot and none of the other potential standard-bearers for the right were even willing to stand. The large contingent of Blairites in the media began desperately flailing around for reasons to support her, and the large contingent of leftwingers in the Labour Party began calling her things like "The Blair Witch Project" and the "New Labour Taliban".

Truth in WiFi failure

Liz's campaign quickly ran aground on the rocks of her limited ability as a public speaker and her limitless ability to alienate colleagues and party activists. Arch-Blairite and fellow Shadow Health Team spokesman Jamie Reed endorsed Andy Burnham because "As someone who has worked alongside Andy Burnham for the past four years, I know that he is the candidate with bold thinking and a personal energy and resolve to break new ground". This was probably the point at which the Kendall campaign should have packed its bags and gone home. She secured just 18 CLP nominations, almost one hundred behind Andy Burnham and Yvette Cooper and more than one hundred and thirty behind frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn.

Liz failed to impress Mumsnet when she took her turn at the ritual grilling on the website for mothers with too much time on their hands. When asked what her favourite biscuit was, she replied that she is "more into savory snacks" and picked popcorn which pretty much killed off whatever last, tiny chance she thought she had of actually placing anywhere near the top of the leadership and proved that she could not be trusted to answer even a simple questions about biscuits without some New Labour spin/picking-your-own-question-to-answer bollocks.

Unsurprisingly, Liz came last in the Labour leadership election. What was a surprise is that, with just 18,857 (4.5%) of first preference votes, she did worse than Diane Abott had in 2010. In a general election she would have lost her deposit. In the hours following the election result, Liz announced that she would not serve in a Corbyn shadow Cabinet, which was pretty irrelevant since Corbyn probably wouldn't have asked her anyway.

Personal Life

Liz once dated the exceedingly tall comedian Greg Davies. They split up a few weeks before the 2015 general election.

Liz likes dancing and jogging while listening to rap music. She does not like to jog with the other runners from the PLP because she is a lone wolf and she uses the time to clear her head for the day.

Along with misogyny and trolling from the Hard Left, she's also had to overcome sharing a name with Ted Bundy's girlfriend.

Ideology

A clear Blairite (despite her protestations to the contrary), during the 2015 Labour leadership campaign she was accused by Andy Burnham and Yvette Cooper of heading "Taliban New Labour"

Portrayal

In the Media

During early stages of the 2015 leadership contest Blairites (who comprise 95% of Britain's leftwing pundits) pretended to be wildly enthusiastic about her, as all the candidates they actually wanted had refused to stand. This outpouring of adulation fooled no one, as we were watching back in May when they were desperately attempting to draft everyone from Chris Bryant to the bloody postman to stand so they wouldn't have to vote for her. After her crushing defeat, the general consensus was that she'd been very brave but she was "too good for this f***ing party".

In Fandom

100% sass.

Labour lolitics fandom leans toward the Bennite/Tribunite wing of the party and non-Labour people don't know who she is, so Liz did not meet with a warm reception when she first appeared on the political frontline. However, since Corbyn's election her good humour and give-no-fucks attitude in the face of constant abuse from the Hard Left has won her lulz and grudging respect even from loliticians who don't share her politics.