Andrew Lansley

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Andrew Lansley

Andrew Lansley.Portrait.jpg

Name Andrew David Lansley (born 11 December, 1956)
Nicknames ?
Politics
Party Conservative
Constituency South Cambridgeshire (1997 - 2015)
Positions • Leader of the House of Commons (2012 - 2014)
• Secretary of State for Health (2010 - 2012)
Likes Dismantling the NHS
Dislikes Patients, doctors, nurses
Friends ?
Enemies Andy Burnham, doctors, nurses
Relationships
Partners Dr Marilyn Biggs
Sally Low
Children Five, three from the first marriage and two from the second
Personal Attributes
Nationality English
Religion Church of England
Sexuality Straight
Height ?
Eye Colour ?
Handedness ?
Accent ?
Languages ?

Andrew Lansley is best known for being Secretary of State for Health and trying to destroy the NHS. He also inspired a famous rap that loliticians were singing for months. These loliticians included the Bercow children (because their mum Sally taught it to them, much to John's despair).

Life and Career[edit | edit source]

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Andrew was born in Hornchurch in Essex. He studied politics at the University of Exeter.

Pre-political Career[edit | edit source]

He was a civil servant before entering elected politics - he was private secretary to Norman Tebbit for three years which probably explains how he turned evil.

Early Political Career[edit | edit source]

Lansley left the civil service and in 1990 became head of the Conservative Research Department, running the 1992 general election campaign which he has cited as "his proudest career achievement". He suffered a minor stroke in 1992 which was initially thought to be an ear infection - he made an almost total recovery, except for the his sense of "fine balance"[1].

HE was awarded a CBE for political services in the 1997 New Years Honours List.

Parliamentary Career[edit | edit source]

Andrew was elected MP for South Cambridgeshire in 1997 and immediately joined the health select committee. In 2001 he took up a leading roll in the election campaign as the Vice-Chairman of the Conservative Party. He made all Shadow Ministers run their press statements by him and timetabled them all in the "Stalingrid".

He was Shadow Secretary of Health from 2004 until 2010 when he became Secretary of State of Health.

Andrew wasn't very popular as Secretary of State for Health as he seems to have trued to privatize the NHS[2]. There were actually a lot of long and complicated reforms he tried to push through, but no one took any notice of them. In Aril 2011 96% of delegates at the Royal College of Nursing backed a motion of no confidence in him. In response, Andrew met with some of them and said:

I am sorry if what I'm setting out to do hasn't communicated itself.~ Andrew Lansley to nurses who opposed his NHS reforms

Full List of Appointments
• Secretary of State for Health (2010 - 2012)
• Leader of the House of Commons (2012 - 2014)

He stood down in time for some other Conservative to fight the 2015 general election in his constituency.

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

Andrew married his first wife in 1985. They had three daughters together and then divorced in 2001.

Scandals[edit | edit source]

He accepted £21,000 from the chairman of a private healthcare provider while he was Shadow Secretary of State for Health.

There were allegations what his wife Sally Low was using her connections to Lansley to help private companies lobby the government, although she denies it and there hasn't been a formal investigation into it.

Andrew also wrote a blog post in 2008 in which he said "good things" could come from recession like people spending more time with their families. He later apologised for this stupid remark.

He was revealed to have flipped his second home during the expenses scandal.

He appeared in a looping video on TV screens in NHS hospitals that people could only get rid of if they paid for TV services. Andrew was criticised a lot for this but since he didn't get paid for the spot and it didn't cost anything it was seen more as a stupid move than something straight out of a horror film.

Portrayal[edit | edit source]

In the Media[edit | edit source]

In 2014, the British Medical Journal voted Andrew Lansley the worst Health Secretary ever[3]. That was before Jeremy Hunt, though.

In Culture[edit | edit source]

MC Next Gen wrote a famous rap about Andrew Lansley:

Andrey Lansley

Chorus:
Andrew Lansley, greedy
Andrew Lansley, tosser
The NHS is not for sale you grey haired manky codger. (x4)

So the budget of the PCTs, he wants to hand to the GPs
Oh please. Dumb geeks are going to buy from any willing provider
Get care from private companies
They saw the pie and they want a piece,
Got their eyes on the Ps like mice for the cheese.
I talk truth when I ride the beat;
You talk shite when you speak,
See money when you close your eyes to sleep.

So fall back-
Your face looks like a shrivelled up ball sack,
The stuff that you say is bull crap,
I'm sure Andy Pandy snorts crack.
Health minister, I mean sinister
You know the public will finish ya-
Is your brain really that miniature?
Give yourself an enema.

Made filthy rich by those who represent Walkers Crisps
Mars and Pizza Hut, proved you're a health slut
And you're always talking shit.
A hundred and thirty-four pound an hour every week,
That's quite a lot of quids
And you came to the conclusion that the food industry should be a little less strict.

Scandal disclosed that you flipped your second home;
You said your claims were within the rules,
Filled your pockets, took us for jokes.
How would you cope when broke folk get ill
Injured and broke,
But don't have the dough
To get their life back on the road.
So poor die slow, and the rich take control.

(Chorus x 4)

Lansley's white paper: "Liberating the NHS"
Sets out a plan where we'll become more like the US,
And Care will be farmed out to private companies
Who will sell their service to the NHS via GPs,
Who will have more to do with service purchase arrangements
Than anything to do with seeing their patients.

He's been given cash
By John Nash,
Chairman of Care UK:
A private healthcare provider
Who, if they have their way
Will be the biggest beneficiaries
Of Conservative Lib Dem policies
To privatise healthcare and pull apart the welfare state.

These plans have been slagged by patient organisations
Charities, unions
Nursing and medical institutions.
The Royal College of GPs even joined the attack,
Looked closely at the proposals and said they were crap.
Say yes for the NHS.
Andrew Lansley can suck on David Cameron's breast
His quest is for the rich to pay less,
And the poor have to stress,
It'll be one big mess.

(Chorus x 4)

In Fanon[edit | edit source]

Lolitics pretty much hates Lansley. I don't think there's any fic with him.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. the jokes just write themselves at this point, don't they?
  2. always a bad look for Tories
  3. http://labourlist.org/2014/12/lansley-named-worst-health-secretary-bevan-named-best/