PETER BONE!!!

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PETER BONE   
PETER BONE

PETER BONE!!!.Portrait.jpg

Name PETER WILLIAM BONE (born 19, October 1952)
Nicknames BONE!!! (fandom), The Evil One (fandom), the Great Seducer (David Davis[1])
Politics
Party Conservative
Constituency Wellingborough (2005 - Present)
Position Executive Member of the 1922 Committee (2007 - Present)
Likes Lurking in the Commons, sexually harassing the Prime Minister, bicycle safety
Dislikes Europe, the EU, all that is right and good
Friends Phillip Hollobone, Philip Davies, John Bercow, Chris Bryant
Enemies All living things, David Cameron, the Liberal Democrats, the Government
Relationships
Partners MRS. BONE, aka Jennie (? - Present)
Children Alexander, Helen and Thomas (2001)
Personal Attributes
Nationality English
Religion Anglican
Sexuality Straight
Height ?
Eye Colour Grey
Handedness ?
Accent Estuary

A self-described "Son of Thatcher," PETER BONE is a rightwing Tory backbencher known for his terrifying stare, his thin, creepy voice, his ubiquity on the floor of the Commons, his rabid Euroscepticism, and his frequent requests for David Cameron to pleasure his wife. Possibly because he hates Cameron as much as PETER BONE does, Bercow allows this, and calls on him every week at PMQs.

Life and Career[edit | edit source]

Early Life[edit | edit source]

PETER BONE was born in Billericay, apparently to human parents. He attended Westcliff-on-Sea High School for Boys.

Accounting and Business Career[edit | edit source]

BONE qualified as a chartered accountant and became the Finance Director of the Essex Electronics and Precision Engineering Group. After a brief interlude as the press secretary for Conservative MP Paul Channon, he became the Chief Executive of the High Tech Electronics Company in 1983. In 1995 the Daily Mirror dubbed him the meanest boss in Britain for paying a 17-year-old trainee 87p an hour.

Early political Career[edit | edit source]

In 1977 PETER BONE became a councillor in Southend-on-Sea, and served on the council for the next eight years. In the same year he was elected Deputy Chairman of the Southend West Conservative Association, a position he held until 1984.

In 1992 he contested the safe Labour seat of Islwyn against Labour Leader Neil Kinnock, and his 6,180 votes remain the best result the Tories ever achieved in that constituency, which probably says more about Neil than it does about BONE. BONE was the Conservative candidate in the equally hopeless 1994 European Parliament election for Mid and West Wales and came third, and then contested the formerly safe Conservative seat of Pudsey in 1997 and lost that too, adding 3.2% to the national 10% swing to Labour with his creepy, creepy stare.

In the 2001 general election he ran for the ultra marginal seat of Wellingborough, and once again managed to under-perform his party by a margin of about 3.0 %, which unfortunately for him left the seat firmly in the hands of Labour incumbent Paul Stinchcombe. But in 2005 he contested Wellingborough again, and his persistence was finally rewarded with a narrow victory.

In Opposition[edit | edit source]

Ordinary cameras cannot properly focus on PETER BONE because his dark powers distort light waves. Most pictures of him are blurry.

PETER BONE has displayed a stellar attendance record since he first came to Parliament, something that has been a cause for chagrin rather than celebration among his colleagues and the fandom due to his terrifying stare and the nature of his contributions, which tend to involve bicycle safety or irrelevant calls for referenda on EU membership. He is a like a cancer in the Commons Chamber, a malignant presence that never fucking goes away. He's a member of the reactionary Cornerstone Group, and in 1997 he joined the executive of the 1922 Committee. In opposition he was content to quietly embarrass his party with his far-right views and his weirdly striped ties, but when the coalition was formed he stepped things up a notch.

On the Government Back Benches[edit | edit source]

PETER BONE hates the coalition and he's not too fond of David Cameron either. His loathing of the Government has made him a staunch advocate of the powers of Parliament, and in certain contexts this has won him some very unlikely allies- socially liberal Speaker John Bercow and Blairite Europhile Chris Bryant, to name two. But most of the time BONE is not interested in anything so constructive as constitutional reform. His main political hobby is making the Treasury Bench squirm by complaining about the EU at Every. Single. Debate, no matter how irrelevant it is to the matter at hand. This is especially fun at PMQs, where he realized he could drive a wedge between David and Nick Clegg by calling for a referendum on EU membership, something the Liberal Democrats promised in their manifesto. John calls him every frickin' week, so he's had a lot of opportunities to ask this question.

When asking the same damn thing every week grew boring, BONE decided to spice things up by involving his wife. He's asked Cameron to please MRS. BONE far too many times for anyone's peace of mind.

Greatest Moments
Date Summary Video Transcript
? BONE calls for mandatory cycling helmets for anyone under 17. Debate in Hansard

As everyone who watches PMQs has cause to know, PETER BONE is wed to the lovely MRS. BONE, whose dessicated appearance and reedy voice make her a fitting match for her husband, a fellow member of his creepy and inhuman race of BONE people. He employs her as his executive secretary in his constituency office, and pays her in the top pay bracket of £40,000 per year. They are very, very married, and would be adorable together if not for the fact that they are BONES.

Two BONES are better than one. Note again the camera's inability to focus.

Even more troubling, they have three children, and the eldest is an RAF pilot. Presumably he is being trained to lead their skeleton army.

Political Views[edit | edit source]

OBEY THE BONE

PETER BONE once described the NHS as Stalinist. This tells you all you need to know about him, really.

He is very interested in transport, rather inexplicably, as he never appears to leave the House of Commons. He's done a lot of work on human trafficking, his obsession with bicycle safety is legendary, and he once presented a tin of sardines to the then Transport Secretary Geoff Hoon to complain about train overcrowding. It's entirely possible that his hatred of the EU is based on the freedom of movement it created, rather than the usual Conservative distaste for being in a political association with the French.

Portrayal[edit | edit source]

PETER BONE has yet to be prominently featured in the media, thank Christ. It's bad enough encountering him on Parliament TV.

Fanon[edit | edit source]

In lolitics fandom PETER BONE is infamous for his terrifying stare, his love of bicycle safety, and his eldritch powers. He is often found in opposition to fellow parliamentary wizards John Bercow and Peter Mandelson.

The Formatting[edit | edit source]

During the 2010 election campaign, PETER BONE plastered his constituency in signs reading "BONE Conservatives". Many of these were soon stolen by "youth" and are now collectors' items. Loliticians quickly realized that the formatting choice was not a risible presentational error, but rather the only way to neutralize the power of BONE'S name, which would otherwise summon his diabolical presence every time it was typed. Allcaps, bold, underline and italics are all essential to contain the evil.

Loliticians who fail to format BONE'S name correctly must immediately don a bicycle helmet. It is the only known method to shield oneself from the malignant power of his attention, which fixes on the unlucky lolitician like the Eye of Sauron every time his name is invoked.

He's staring right at you.

Naive readers might think this is a joke, but don't be fooled; PETER BONE is aware of all internet traditions, and his gimlet eyes are ever watchful. There was once a RP Twitter account for him, and he found out about it and shut it down. He's probably watching you read this article right now.

Failing to format his name correctly or to take immediate precautions after a lapse may result in a cold, dead silence, and the feel of a hand hovering over your shoulder, and you turn to see nothing and laugh, breathlessly, but turning back to the light of your monitor you only see darkness, and a cold familiar reflection, you try to scream but your voice comes out in a burble of blood, then you suddenly feel hands on your neck, holding, gripping, slicing into your vocal chords and a voice whispering thinly into your ear 'TIME FOR SLEEP. And that's if you're lucky and he kills you first.

Snickers[edit | edit source]

On Tuesday the 8th of June at 09:03AM, @eyespymp tweeted "PETER BONE picking up papers and a snickers in a corner shop in Rushden."

Having not properly capitalised his name, this tweeter has since disappeared...

Hence,

PETER BONE!!!.SnickersBONE.jpg

It's disturbing enough to imagine BONE eating human food, but it turns out that he does not like peanuts, making this candy purchase even more mysterious and sinister.

BONETIME[edit | edit source]

You are unable to scream.

The period after midnight, when Westminster falls under the dominion of BONE, is known in the fandom as BONETIME. Loliticians often tweet to warn each other that the fateful hour has fallen, and to make sure that they are all still alive.

Poetry[edit | edit source]

Like the trenches of WW I, the horror of BONE has been a wellspring of poetry. Some examples follow.


"If I should fall,
let this be known:
Avenge me, friends,
for it was BONE."


"In the cupboard,
under the bed,
that bloody BONE,
he's in my head!"